Red Alert Learns About Human Religion
by Ladyofthedrgns
Summary: G1: Crack Story- Red Alert learns just how crazy human religions can be.


_Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers, however I do own the plot. Any similarities between actual events and or persons are purely coincidence. And no mechs were harmed during the writing of this story. Yes, there will be explicit robotic profanity and general weirdness._

_Write's Notes: Yes, this little Plot Bunny was an evil bastard! It all started with some crazy comment my boyfriend made. So blame him if Red Alert doesn't get any recharge for a long while. I feel for poor Inferno. _

_Me Good luck big guy..:Pats Inferno on the back:_

_Inferno :Confused look:...Why?_

_Me Nothing..._

_Inferno :groans:_

_Warning: Pure unleashed crack. Please use the bathroom before reading. I will not be held responsible for what happens._

_--_

_ Red Alert Learns About Human Religion _

Ratchet could not of been anymore fragged off then he was now. It had taken the collective efforts of himself, Ironhide, Inferno, and Optimus to subdue the distraught red mech. Ratchet had the glitched mech dragged back to the med-bay.

" What in the fragging pit set him off now?! "roared the infuriated medic as he stood there, Red Alert's skull plates open as the CMO checked over the Security Director's processors for any damage. Grumbling to himself if it had been the twins's doing.

" I don't know, Ratchet," spoke a rather reluctant Inferno as he stood not far off from his bond-mate worried. "He was fine when I left him. Then the next thing I know, he's running threw the base screaming about Armageddon, The Second Coming, or some other nonsense. Tried to barricade himself in our quarters as you saw."

Ratchet gave a long suffering sigh as he looked up toward Inferno completely bewildered as to what the firetruck was talking about. "Alright, I want you to start from the beganing."

" Alright." Inferno sighed deeply before he began.

--

_Earlier that very same day..._

It had started off as a rather perfect day, by Red Alert's standards at lest. The Twins were in the brig, so they would not be pestering him. The Cons had not been sighted or heard from in weeks. That bugged him a bit. What really was bothering him now was this strange human standing before him.

Her name was Ellen Mitchell, there was nothing special about her. She was dressed simply. A long skirt, white blouse, with a long gold chain with a small golden cross on the end, hair done up neatly, and Bible in hand. She was the picture of the perfect God fearing woman.

But this was not what bothered Red Alert. It was what she said next," Good afternoon, Sir? " Ellen spoke rather warily as she stared up at the giant metal robot before her. Completely unsure if she should be afraid or friendly. She just trudged onward," I have come to you today to bring you the word of God." She flashed the metal giant a warm, friendly smile.

Red Alert just stood there dumb founded,"...Good Afternoon, Madam." His processors for all the world wondering how she had found the base. This had his processors working overtime. He quirked a brow wondering what she was up to.

Ellen just stared at the red giant robot uncertain when she received no response. She sighed as she continued onward," Sir, may I ask if you are Saved? "

" Saved? " the red mech asked a little confused at her meaning for a moment.

" Yes, Saved. Have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into your...heart," She spoke as confidently as she could. Though unsure if this robot even had a heart, per-say.

Red Alert frowned a little at this confusing creature. He sighed as he shook his head, at least trying to be civil," Madam, We Cybertronian's do not have hearts like you humans. We have Sparks. Why would I want a human inside my spark?"

Ellen frowned a bit in confusion at all this new information. At least the big giant was polite. She braced her smile on her face as she pressed onward," Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior of the World. "

" You mean Samuel Witwiky? " Red Alert tried to correct her as politely as he could. Wondering where this was going.

" Uh, No, Sir..." Ellen spoke rather confused now by the robot's meaning.

This only made Red Alert frown more at her own meaning,"Then whom may I ask is this Lord Jesus Christ? "

Ellen inwardly groaned, wishing she had had that glass of vodka before she left off on her little mission trip this morning. But she pressed on that glowing smile none the less," Sir, If I may? Our Lord Jesus Christ will be returning to us soon. Only those that have accepted him into their hearts, or Sparks as you call them, may enter the gates of Heaven."

Red Alert just quirked a metal brow at her as he felt something clench inside his spark. Something about this woman's very words were bothering him right to the very core of his spark. " Those that do not have this human in their spark? "

" They will go to Hell, Sir. " She continued for him.

The big red mech felt something clench in his chest plates with worry.

" The Second Coming is coming very soon, Sir. Those who have not accepted our Lord and Savior will be doomed to burn deep within the fiery pits of Hell," She spoke onward without so much as a hitch as her confidence grew. Though worry crossed her face as she watched as the big mech's blue optics suddenly widened.

It first started out as a slight tremor that traveled through the big mech's frame as he fought to control his growing anxiety. Not wanting to glitch out in front of this Innocent human woman. He clenched his hands into hard fists as he fought to maintain control over himself. " The...Pits? "

" Yes, sir," Ellen spoke rather calmly, unsure what suddenly brought on this surge of fear within the big robot. "Each man and woman is brought before God to be judged. Any man or woman that has not accepted the Lord into their heart is sent into the Lake of Fire. Along with all the legions of The Devil's demons, and the Devil himself."

" And...How many of these "Demons" are there exactly?" Red Alert croaked nervously.

Ellen had to think this one over for a second. It was not a question she had been expecting from anyone. She bit her lower lip a little as she answered," Trillions? "

And that was the figurative straw that broke the camel's back, as Red Alert's glitch suddenly began to take control. The trembling in his frame becoming more visible," TRILLIONS?! What do you mean trillions?!" The suddenly frantic Security Director bellowed.

Ellen's bright hazel eyes suddenly widened in fear at the mech's sudden outburst. She took a couple steps back to put a safer distance between her and the agitated robot.

" What kind of weapons systems do your people have?! What kind of Defenses? Have you even begun to prepare for this war that you say is coming?" The questions poured from the frantic mech like a tsunami wave.

Poor Ellen was left frantic to scramble for answers. Trying her best to keep her composure," We have the armor of God to protect us, the sword of Righteousness, and our faith to protect us from harm. "

This was NOT the answer Red Alert was looking for as he stared down on the human woman in abject horror," You have got to be slagging kidding me?! Are you insane?! " and the tirade went on from there," You have no weapons systems against these demons, or armor, or anything? Are you telling me that you expect your God to do all of the fighting for you and that you will stand by and do nothing while HE does all the fighting? That is completely unacceptable! WE will have to prepare to defend ourselves AND this planet of yours! " Red Alert bellowed.

She was not sure what on Earth this robot was suddenly so agitated over. She saw nothing wrong with the subject. Demons were not flesh and blood creatures, as far as she knew and hoped. "We have our faith to protect us, Sir," She spoke as confidently as she could.

Red Alert's jaw plates nearly fell off at just how adamant this crazy human was. She had to be insane! There was no question about it as he looked up all this information via the world wide web. He gave a full body jerk, Ellen swore she saw a fuse blow inside his head.

" You mean to tell me these demons are coming to take over your home planet!? And you have nothing to defend yourselves with?! " the mech roared in horror as he began to pace about in a wide circle in agitation. The information streaming to him across the net. He sputtered suddenly," Holy Slagging Primus! " as a small tendril of smoke seemed to curl out of the side of his head.

Ellen began to slowly back away a little farther from the agitated mech. Not wanting anything do with what had so suddenly upset him. " Sir? "

" There is no way in the slagging Pits we have enough forces to fight off that many demons!" Red Alert's optics trained out onto the barren wasteland of the Nevada desert. " We are so slagged..."

He just kept repeating this over and over again in his agitation. Pacing frantically as the woman slowly began to make her escape. The big mech looked up suddenly," When are these armies to arrive? "

Ellen froze suddenly in her tracks at the big robot's question. Wracked her brain for an answer," 2012 to be exact by the calculations from our profits."

The Security Director quickly checked his chronometer against what he knew of Terran time keeping. Squawked in horror," Holy Slagging Primus! We do not have much time to fortify both our forces in time! "

Suddenly the large red mech with an agility Ellen was surprised to see turned and sprinted down the hall. All the while howling something at the top of his vocal processor about Armageddon, The Second Coming, demons, and what not.

She just stood there for the longest moment just simply staring at the retreating form. She half groaned, half growled to herself as she turned and walked off toward her car," This is the last time I let that jerk Rick talk me into taking the crazy neighborhoods."

She climbed into her small compact car, and drove away. Bumblebee just pulling into the base with a confused stare as he watched the angry human driving away. Wondering what that was all about.


End file.
